Lewis Porteous: Decline and Fall (unabridged 'About Me')

I started writing while at University, producing a series of humour columns to a deadline every fortnight as I dreamt of a career in music journalism. These were poorly thought out and badly executed yet editors continued to ask me for them, while other students would infrequently recognise my name or face around campus and compliment my work. But not everyone was impressed. In a letter published 18^th February 2008, Emma Freeman wrote the following:

“A note to Lewis Porteous, you clearly have talent so use it. A column should leave the reader with the sense that they have just received a new and interesting perspective on pretty much anything fairly universal and current. Being original for the sake of it is not enough. Your columns have mastered the all important art of the intriguing, amusing first paragraph but then when? A self-indulgent pointless daydream. You can do better than that so try harder.”

A year later, graffiti disparaging my artistry appeared in a men's toilet cubicle on the sixth floor of the library. The work of a still seething Emma Freeman? That's for you to decide. I paid it no mind, for I was riding high on my inclusion in the debut issue of a short-lived magazine which sought in vain to publish “the best of student journalism” before a justifiably apathetic audience. On top of this, I had been appointed film editor of the esteemed 'Glasgow University Guardian', largely in recognition of my contemptible beard-growth and willingness to kow-tow to others.

By the time of my graduation, my affected gruff machismo had alienated me from the remainder of the paper's editorial team. I submitted samples of my work to 'Fest' magazine who took me on to review shows for them that August during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I covered theatre and comedy almost daily and found that keeping to close deadlines forced me to improve my writing, or 'craft' as I pompously refer to it. I would contribute to 'Fest' once more but applied too late for a position in 2011, the same year that they started paying their staff. Or at least they told me I was too late.

My periods of involvement with Fest's sister paper 'The Skinny' have been frustratingly brief. In early 2010, I worked as a comedy critic, covering an assortment of Glasgow Comedy Festival shows for its website, before having a couple of footnotes included in the publication itself. Desperate to curry favour with the Scots-centric rag, I awarded a mind-numbing set of slovenly observational comedy from local hero Kevin Bridges three stars. Despite my best efforts to please the paper, I fell off its radar for over a year.

I returned as a comedy reviewer for the Fringe in 2011 and pleaded with the music and film editors to give me a chance. I provided four tepid-to-negative reviews of new releases for the music editor, only two of which were published in any form, before all communication was cut off, the final straw being when I, an agoraphobic man who finds enormous crowds unsettling, refused to cover the T in the Park music festival on my own, without a +1. On an only marginally more positive note, I have reviewed a couple of film things so far and remain on that editor's mailing list.

Since late 2009, I have regularly reviewed live music for 'The Fly' who have always been very good to me. I would be happy to contribute to any other publications, if only they'd let me.